Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Striking It Rich!

DISCOURAGED FORWARD! Junior Cape Crusaders Worldwide and our trusty side-kick Psychotic and Homicidal Lynn Thomas of COWS BLOC!

Hello.....Junior Cape Crusaders – We Have Struck it Rich!

Man alive Jackbo! We would never have believed what a gold mine of information we would start getting about you. Its like someone opened up the floodgates on a dam!.

First your worst nightmare comes true. Your old commanding officer from Fort Devens days surfaces. You know, the one you told COW didn’t exist anymore? The guy that COW said only spent a year in the Army and then got out? The one that was “never in a position to evaluate you?” The one you told COW never wrote that scathing report about you back in 1977? The one that was cited in the press and your federal parole report as writing “the most unprofessional, unmotivated, immature enlisted man I have ever met”; “continuously one step ahead of punitive disciplinary action” (Whoa Nellie!! Just what did you do back there at Fort Devens Jackbo?)

Well it turns out that your old commander spent an entire career in the Army, retired from active duty and still works in the National Military Command Center in the Pentagon. You and COW couldn’t be much further off track that that could you? Better check your F-6 sources out there Jackbo. Your old commander apparently told COW the whole story about you being a lousy soldier was TRUE. How come old COW doesn’t post that on her blog site? She wouldn’t be holding back pertinent, verified, first-hand information from her readers that blows all of your BS stories about your SF days out of the water, would she? How come we were able to obtain a copy of the info from our sources and yet COW hasn’t found the time to let the world know the truth about her favorite “super patriot.” She puts every other scrap of BS on her site. Why not some truth, however unpleasant, from time to time? How about it COW?

So, your old commander writes COW and gives her a real earful. It turns out we were able to obtain a copy of his e-mail from our sources out there in the retired SF world. Boy did he give COW an earful. Wow, if I were you, I would want to keep that kind of stuff buried as well. This isn’t just a skeleton in the closet. It’s an entire graveyard full of skeletons!

All this old info just doesn’t help that totally bogus image you are trying to portray of being a super SF operator when you were in fact a chronic disciplinary problem, thrown off of A-teams twice and finally sent to serve out your enlistment time in a rear echelon job in the group signal company. Some rep you racked up there, Jackbo. Nice going! If you had just had some more time on active duty, you might have been able to make it all the way from Fort Devens to the military prison at the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary during your illustrious one-and-only tour on active duty. But no mind Jackbo, you eventually made to federal prison all on your own, once you were out of the Army of course and you even did it without the help of your former 10th Group colleagues. Bravo!

Our recent posting of your old commander’s email to COW really started the ball rolling. We are getting all kinds of emails. What a bunch of stories we are getting! We got the story about you in the barracks (really now Jackbo, knife fighting with your unarmed roommate – Is that any way to behave, especially when your he takes your knife away and beats you up?). We have some stories from your old teammates about your sub-standard performance on training exercises. We have heard from a couple of sources on the real story about how you lucked into a SCUBA School slot (not selected – just pure luck). We also have the story about how you were cashiered from attending the German Mountain School, so we also know that you lied about attending schools that you never even got close to, or better yet, some that never even existed!

It seems that there was no love lost between you and almost everybody else in the entire 10th Special Forces Group. We are checking out the stories just as fast as we can. Frankly Jackbo, this might take a while. But as soon as we can, we will be posting more about your early days in Special Forces. Just sit tight there in your cell. (Is it padded? I hope so because you might just end up banging your head on the walls when you read some of the stuff we have recently received).

Just so you know, we are definitely keeping good records of all the info that we get. All this is an absolute must to include in a movie about you once you finally get your sorry ass out of that Afghan jail. We even have an idea for a title for your movie, “Little Big Man 2”. Maybe it would be better if the title was “Little Little Man.” One of the guys suggested “Jackbo the Dodo” but that probably would not be a good idea. Someone might think it was a family film about a big dumb bird instead of a film about a foul-mouthed big, dumb, soldier wannabe. Would you want Dustin Hoffman to play the lead role? Or would you rather play the lead role yourself? Just think Jackbo, all that time in front of a camera, being able to stage things just the way you imagined them, but of course not the way they really were. Just like your stories from Afghanistan.

Hey Cape Crusaders, here is a riddle for you. What is the difference between a real SF soldier and Jackbo?

Give up?

Well, a real SF soldier believes things when he sees them, and ol’ Jackbo sees things when he believes them.

Quite a bit of difference there Jackbo.

Now Jackbo, just a thought here, and I don’t mean to alarm you, but . . . Do you think there might be federal marshals waiting for you when your plane lands back in the good ol’ USA someday? I’ll bet you won’t get you a cushy cell with TV, SATCOM phone or any of the other comforts we hear your Daddy’s money has been able to buy for you over there. But then there may be an upside if you end up back in an American slammer. You will be back in the USA and COW will come visit you. Have her bake you a cake with a file in it.

Keep your chin up Jackbo. Maybe another one of your roommates might just plant another hard right on it for you, with or without a knife in your hand. (You big, bad Hwa Rang Dodo instructor, you).

Have a great day Jackbo.


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