Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Once upon a Dodo!

DISCOURAGED FORWARD! Junior Cape Crusaders Worldwide and our trusty side-kick Psychotic and Homicidal Lynn Thomas of COWS BLOG!

Well Junior Caped Crusaders how about a True Story of Martial Arts Skill and Daring-Do of our Imprisoned Hero, Big Bad Jack “Hwa Rang Do (Dodo) Instructor”, a.k.a Jackbo the Dodo

Hey there Jackbo. Missed your radio show yesterday. We hear it was down to your usual low-life standards. Did we get it right? Claiming you are a former NYPD officer? It is bad enough that you try to pass yourself off as a big-time SF operator ( we assume you mean a big time Base Station Radio Operator in 10th SFGA Signal Company. You know, down there with a lot of non-SF-qualified signal types, after you were thrown off of A-teams in both A Company and B Company.) Hey! Stop the presses!! Isn’t that some sort of record that you should post on your brag page on Super Patriots? Thrown off of two A-Teams in less than one year? Don’t you have some sort of “Jackbo Special Forces A-Team Dismissal” certificate that your Daddy can post on your “I Love Me” wall back home in New York?.

Now, it is reported that you claim to be a former NYPD officer. Real NYPD officers died on 9/11 – you are not worthy to claim to be in their ranks. Why, I’ll even bet that you will have your minion Cow posting some “new, never before published” picture of you in an NYPD uniform on her web site by the end of next week. Maybe another studio photo like your “SF glamour pose” (did you win any SF beauty contests with that photo Jackbo?). Hey everybody – cut over to Cow’s Bloc page and standby for another staged picture of Jackbo.

You are like a sick little puppy dog who runs up to pee on every fire hydrant he comes across. Except with you, its heroes and not fire hydrants that you are running up to be next to. Everytime you hear of some new group of heroes, you run to have your picture taken with them in some staged photo-op so you can claim to have been part of someone else’s heroic deeds. You are pathetic and there are doctor’s for people like you.

But now, Jackbo, back to the matter at hand. We were hoping you would clear something up for us on your next radio show. For all of you new to the site, you need to first go to Jackbo’s own personal brag page at www.superpatriots.us/jacksback.htm . Jack brags about all of his FANTASTIC accomplishments. Wow! Just look at all of the records that he has set – and attendance at schools that he never even attended (What? No climbing records at the German Mountain School that you never went to, Jackbo? No skiing records for a NATO Ski School that doesn’t even exist? You are simply way too modest. Be creative. You claim to have set records for Camp Perry Pistol Matches – but you were never there Jackbo. Never mind. Details, details. Cow will cover all that up for you, because, after all, she has a brain and you are a REAL OPERATOR (a REAL BASE STATION RADIO OPERATOR – well, come to think of it, maybe not even really that if you flunked 05B Phase II twice – we will have to go ask the personnel types for a ruling on that one). Poor Jackbo. He is SO confused!

What we really want to know is about your prowess as a Hwa Rang Do (Dodo) Special Forces Hand-to-Hand Combat Instructor. From what we hear, this was a two-week course where you got parked between Phase II recycles. (Was it after the first recycle or the second? Come on Jackbo. You can tell us. We won’t share it with anyone but a few million people who read this site. Real confidential, hush-hush, spec ops type of stuff you know).

Now, we are no martial arts expert, but we thought it took years to become an expert in any of the belted martial arts. Yet you, Jackbo, did it all in two weeks? FANTASTIC. Can you share your secret with us? It could save hundreds, perhaps thousands of American soldiers’ lives. Anyone with two weeks time, six boxtops from his favorite breakfast cereal, and Jack’s Secret Instant Martial Arts Formula can become a world class martial arts instructor – all in just a couple of weeks! We wanted to look at your “Hwa Rang Do Instructor Diploma on your web site Jack, but its so fuzzy that we really can’t make out anything, except for the part that says “participated in.” Does that mean you DID NOT GRADUATE??? It also looks like some kind of seat-of-the-pants certificate, not the normal JFK Center School Diploma. So what gives here Jack? Did your real diploma get wet and ruined when you splashing around in the water at the Soviet “boomer” base at Vladivostok on your secret mission? You know, the sub “boomer” base that doesn’t even exist.

But, back to your radio show. We want you to tell us all about what you learned from all of this Hwa Rang Dodo Instructor–level training. You know, all the stuff you and the other 10 guys that EVER GRADUATED from (or maybe just participated in) learned from this super-secret school.

Apparently not too much.

Jackbo, we have been talking with some of your old buds from back at Fort Devens. You know, the place where you spent that last two years of your one and only enlistment in the active Army, getting bounced from A-Team to A-Team, and then sent off to some ash and trash job and finally leaving the Army with a bar to reenlistment. . (Poor Jackbo – didn’t you play nice with the other children? I guess not.) We have tracked down some of the guys from the 10th SFG barracks. Let’s just call them “G’ and “J” and “S” and “T” and a couple of others. (Think Idema, think! Who might these guys be?? None of your friends – you apparently didn’t have many friends except maybe for the Coleflesh brothers). It turns out that the story we heard about you pulling a knife on one of your team mates in the barracks is true! Those barracks rats sure did love to watch a good fight. A couple of them remember it very well. It turns out that after you pulled out your big, bad knife, your roommate, totally unarmed, actually TOOK YOUR KNIFE AWAY FROM YOU. Now, how could that happen to a big, bad Hwa Rang Dodo Instructor – one of only 11 who EVER GRADUATED from (or maybe just participated in) the super Hwa Rang Dodo Hand-to-Hand Combat Instructor Special Weapons and Tactics Course?

Jackbo, from what we hear, not only did this unarmed man take your knife away from you, he then proceeded to beat the ever-living crap out of you. NO WAY!!! SAY IT AIN’T SO! Not big, bad Jackbo the Dodo!!!

And then, we are told, you tried to hide the beating in formation the next day by wearing sunglasses (were they Foster Grants?). Did the Team Sergeant make you take the sunglasses off? How humiliating, for a big bad Hwa Rang Dodo Instructor, only one of 11 who ever GRADUATED from (or participated in) this special training to have to show off his bruises to the whole unit. No wonder there were no more Hwa Rang Dodo classes of this type. Jackbo, you were simply WAY TOO DANGEROUS to be turned loose in public – mostly too dangerous to yourself it seems.

Was it that two weeks in the class just wasn’t enough time to FULLY master Hwa Rang Do, Jackbo? Or did you not send in all six boxtops you were supposed to? Did you try to shortchange someone and send in only FOUR BOXTOPS so they didn’t teach you all of the secrets? Did you warn your roommate that you were a lethal killer before he beat you up or afterwards? Did you show him your Hwa Rang Dodo “certificate of participation” Jackbo? Did he know you were an “Instructor”, Jackbo, or was he just such a poor student that he skipped all the introductory lessons and skipped to the part where he beat the crap out of the “master.” Oh it is such a cruel world out there Jackbo.

Maybe you just let him beat you up a little bit for the amusement of all your buds in the barracks? Why didn’t you go tell your superiors Idema? Wouldn’t they care? Couldn’t Daddy come bail you out off this predicament like he did down at Fort Bragg? What? No congressman to intervene on your behalf?

We will be looking to hear all about this on your next radio broadcast Jackbo. Until then, here is some free advice. Don’t pull any more knives on anybody!!! Not even the maid!!!! Just like your roommate at Fort Devens, your buddy, Brent, MIGHT NOT be a Hwa Rang Dodo instructor and as bumbling and inept as you. That could make him far more dangerous than you and he just might beat you up in your cell before the guards can get in and pull him off of you. Old Brent could turn out to be a real tiger!. We will be listening for the whole story next week Jackbo.

You know, just one final thought. After tracking down this story, (it took some effort Jackbo) I am inclined to think we should not refer to you as “Jackbo” anymore. I think “Little Jackie” would be more appropriate. Still got your lunch money Jackie? Or did someone beat you up and take that away too?

Have a nice Hwa Rang Dodo day, Jackbo!

You got such a fan club Jackbo!

1 comment:

Diane said...

Try using spellcheck and grammar check when you are slandering people.